Monday, September 26, 2011

Recipe For A Reality Show


--One host who attained a minor degree of celebrity years ago for reasons people can no longer remember (anything that was popular during the 1980s is a great place to start looking)

--One television network that no longer has enough money to produce scripted shows

--Six to twelve contestants all seeking the same job/mate/monetary reward/vaccination. These should consist of:

--One genial everyman

--One tough male, preferably from New Jersey or Long Island

--One attractive yet mentally unstable female

--One individual who is medically insane

--One minority (purists recommend a black man/woman, but these

days an Asian or Hispanic should work just as well)

--One easily hateable individual (if you are running

low on contestants in certain regions, the minority can fill this role)

--One to six individuals with no distinctive characteristics

--One arena where all contestants can engage in various physical and mental competitions

--One habitat where all contestants can live for the duration of the show. Specific designs may vary, but it must include one isolated area where contestants can reveal and overreact about inane secrets to a camera


1. Place all contestants in the same area of the habitat. Have host stride into the area in a manner that suggests everyone should already know who he is and explain the rules of the show. Cut to pensive yet determined reaction shots of contestants every time host completes more than 50% of a sentence.

2. Allow contestants to disperse. Linger on shots of genial everyman and attractive yet mentally unstable female interacting for 2-3 minutes to create an artificial aura of sexual tension. Let simmer for 4-5 weeks.

3. After approximately 12 hours, have host remove all contestants from the habitat and bring them to the arena to engage in their first competition. Have host explain that whichever individual does the poorest job performing in this competition will be removed from the show by his or her fellow contestants, the viewers, or a celebrity judging panel. Do whatever is necessary to ensure this happens to one of the individuals with no distinctive characteristics.

4. Repeat step three until all individuals with no distinctive characteristics have been removed from the show.

5. During the first competition after the departure of all individuals with no distinctive characteristics, have easily hateable individual perform an action that slightly inconveniences tough Italian male. Once the two return to the habitat, have tough male explain why he is angry about this to easily hateable individual via a physical altercation. This should culminate in a teary revelation from tough male and a biting, caustic remark from easily hateable individual in the isolated area.

6. Have genial everyman and mentally unstable woman engage in some form of sexual relations. Film using grainy black and white footage to hide the fact that the two do not actually care about each other and will forget each other’s names almost immediately after the finale.

7. Begin the process of using the competitions to remove individuals with distinctive characteristics from the show. It is recommended that you do so in the following order: tough male, medically insane individual, minority, attractive yet mentally unstable woman. However, if you desire a spicier end product, easily hateable individual may be switched out for mentally unstable woman.

8. Pit easily hateable individual against genial everyman in the final challenge. Invite back all former contestants to watch and criticize the performances of the two contestants who have proven themselves to be better at these competitions than they were.

9. Have former contestants, viewers or a celebrity judging panel vote on the winner of the final competition. Do whatever is necessary to ensure genial everyman is proclaimed the victor.

10. Engage in brief yet lavish ceremony to celebrate the newfound fame/money/sexual fulfillment/disease-free life genial everyman will now enjoy.

11. Embroil genial everyman in a minor scandal soon after the finale to briefly keep him in the public eye. Following this, allow him to naturally fade into obscurity until he resurfaces years later to host a reality show of his own.

The above recipe should comfortably serve one populace of a country nurturing a 60-year-old love affair with television and desperate for distractions from such things as economic crises and children. If said populace remains unsatisfied after consumption, add C-list celebrities as needed.

No comments: